Have you ever been watching a show or movie that takes place in a post-apocalyptic universe and thought that something is missing? Here’s a list of things that we just do not see in the post-apocalypse, despite being present in the world today:
Paula Cole once said, “Where have all the cowboys gone?” and then she wailed into the ether/second verse for reasons unknown to me. When it comes to watching apocalyptic shows and films like The Walking Dead, The Road, or generally any narrative that takes in the world that was once the world we know now, I can’t help but think: where have all the sex toys gone? But I don’t emit a lonely wail into the night a la Paula Cole.
Think of how useful blow up dolls could be in a universe like Waterworld. Sure, those smoker guys loved their jet skis but it’s only a matter of time until they run out of gasoline and Kevin Costner is hogging all the gills. They could build rafts out of all the discarded blowup dolls. Blowup dolls would become extremely valuable. People would get into fights over vaguely human-shaped inflated figures with holes design for us to have sex with because they are vital to survival. Or to have sex with.
What about all the dildos of the world? Wouldn’t they float? Is that island they find at the end of the movie (*SPOILER ALERT*) covered in dildos?
Think about it.
I can’t believe no one on The Walking Dead is addressing this in every episode. I can’t believe Carl isn’t occasionally shouting from the woods, “DOES ANYONE HAVE A SOFT LEAF THEY CAN THROW ME?” But maybe that’s off camera.
Everyone’s up for a run to the pharmacy but no one is risking their lives to hit up an abandoned 7/11 for some generic TP or even running through some fields in an attempt to find some corncobs. Remember the episode when they went to the grocery store and Bob risks everyone’s life by getting himself trapped under a shelf while trying to grab a bottle of booze to fuel his alcoholism?
That would be me, but in pursuit of toilet paper.
Razors/Wax and Tampons
There’s something about running for your life every few hours and having to occasionally murder your best friend that apparently makes you really horny. Despite the lack of access to razors and wax, people are all up in that. It’s No-Shave November ALL THE TIME for errbody. Who has the time to pause for a close shave during the post-Apocalypse?
And for that matter, what are women doing about their periods? In case you hadn’t heard by now, each month a woman experiences uncontrollable bleeding, sudden changes in her body and emotions, and debilitating pain. Are they kicking it old school and just bleeding freely into their pants? There’s only one explanation: periods don’t exist in the post-Apocalypse. Apparently the zombie disease/nuclear war also took away a woman’s ability to menstruate.
If there is one thing these movies and shows have taught us, it’s that none of us should have a pet when the apocalypse comes. We saw what happened to Will Smith’s dog in I Am Legend. It’s going to be Old Yeller all the time. Speaking of which, if we are abiding by the I Am Legend pet rule, where are all the hairless zombie/vampire dogs, cats, and parakeets that should be chasing after Will along with those hairless zombie/vampire humans? Are we to believe that everyone hug-suffocated their pets before attempting to flee Manhattan?
As for the non-zombie animals, are we to assume they were eaten? We saw Snowpiercer and The Road. If we’re going to eat humans, you can bet your furry sniff-able butts that we are going to eat you. Hamster a la King. Not-Mock Turtle Soup. Labrador Chops. Sorry, Fluffy. It’s all on the menu.
So for all of you looking forward to the Zombie Apocalypse, give your beloved pet a well-deserved hug and don’t forget to say, “Soon…”